And the Holiday Season begins.......

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dawson and I had a wonderfully quiet Thanksgiving day. We spent a lazy day at home, put up the Christmas tree, and spent time with my friend Holly and her family for Turkey dinner. All was wonderful!

The next night we spent time making Dawson's letter to Santa. Because he still only knows letters and not words we got out our Christmas toy magazines and cut out pictures and pasted then into a letter. Rolled it up and put it under the tree for Santa's elves to come and get it. The legend goes that Santa sends out his elves on Thanksgiving weekend to collect all the "wish lists" and then takes them back to Santa so he knows what to bring on Christmas Eve. The Elves take the list and leave a little treat to show they were here.

Dawson and I stayed up as late as possible waiting for Santa's Elves, but missed them again. Next year we'll try.

The elves left the Snow White Movie, a candy treat of M&M's and a cute little snow globe that said Merry Christmas! What a fun surprise!

Everything else has been pretty quiet. I have finally given notice to change my status after the first of the year at work. I will be totally independent come January. I am very excited to have this opportunity - yet the stresses of making sure the income flows is always a concern - but it will work. I have put things in place to be prepared and have been so blessed thus far. Not much to worry about.

Jody and her family are due here for Christmas. We can't wait!! So, let the preparations begin!

October has been an eventful month! Between Halloween, being sick (both Dawson and I) and Dawson's primary program - we made it!

Dawson had a wonderful Halloween. We kicked off the holiday a week early at our ward potluck. Brother Eggenburger took the kids' picture and it turned out darling. Dawson's friends Joshua and Parker came with us to our trunk or treat and had a great time. Trunk or treat is similar to trick or treating, but everyone decorates the trunk of their car, the cars line up and the kids go trick or treating from car to car and get candy. It's a lot of fun!

Following that week, I became sick with cold/flu. It was a trying week between home and work duties, but Dawson was a Prince! Little children are such great care takers when we are ill. I appreciated Dawson's patience so much. I told Dawson it was a good thing he was a magician for Halloween - now if he could cast a spell to make me better - I'd love it! He not only said he'd do that, but he offered to get rid of my fat arms I complain about so much. So compassionate they are.

Dawson's primary program was a hit! It was my first experience watching him in a "performance" type program. I was very proud in how he handled himself and his confidence. He got right up there and did his part. He had to stand before the entire congregation and say "The mother's role is nurturing the family". We joked about how different it is to be on the stand and look out in the audience. But he thought it was great. He loved it! What a ham!

Dawson is recovering from a cold himself. Each day getting better. It's been a rocky start to Winter. He still can't wait for snow. It means Santa is coming!!

Eternal Families

My heart is full today. Church was inspiring and uplifting. It was testimony meeting and some of my favorite people in the ward bore their testimonies. It's always a great pleasure to listen to others with the same passions and fullness of the gospel that I share.

Dawson has a primary program coming up. He was asked to bring a family picture. I suppose on the onset, that's easy. Dawson and I just had our pictures taken together. But he has a whole family. His father, big brother, a grandmother. And now my heart is full with sorrow that Dawson's family photo is broken. There are no pictures, nor possibly will there ever be a "family" photo for him. It breaks my heart.

I suppose these are the things that happen when families are broken up. But I wish it had not happened to Dawson. He's so deserving of a family unity that he can claim an eternity too. Perhaps when he marries in the temple and has that eternal family he's bonded with forever, he will have that.

It's amazing how the picture changes when we take ourselves out of it. When we make and do things in an unselfish manner, it has a very different outcome than doing things out of selfishness.

It seemed to be the spoken theme throughout sacrament today. The gift of service. In as much as I love to serve my fellow man and I do so willingly on most occasions, I failed to serve those that I made a life commitment too. Some get a second chance some do not. I'll have to finish this another time - second chance or not.

It's October! It Snowed!

I can not believe it is October and we've already had snow fall. Not a lot. But enough to stick. Dawson was in awe. He think's it's Christmas now! It's going to be a long couple of months in patience till Santa comes.

This time of year reminds me of when we first moved here. I can't believe it's been 2 years already. I moved here for a couple of reasons. The weather is not one of them. I was elated the day we got here. A new town, new opportunity, new life. Things change. Some for the better. Some you wish they hadn't. Particularly missing my friend in Boise. One of the grand reasons for being excited about being here. My friend was someone I could talk to about anything at anytime. My friend actually enjoyed hearing about my work, life, and ongoings as much as I enjoyed theirs. Our visits were always fun. There was never any judgement. We had one of those friendships that seemed like it would never end. Dawson asked about our friend the other day. One of many times he brings up a memory or two. I didn't know what to say. Seeking advice on what to tell a 4 year old, I was told: Friends come and go. But we can always think of the fun things we did together. There are just some friends you don't want to go. Perhaps someday in the future a rejuvinated friendship can blossom. As much as I want to pick up the phone first, theres always that hope that one day it'll be them on the other end.

~Sandy

The burden is lifting

I have mentioned in some of my last posts that I have been taking the Dave Ramsey course, Financial Peace University. It all seems like such common sense and you wonder how our world may be in the mess we are in if you follow such simple concepts - but it's not that easy. After two hours tonight of working diligently on a budget the Dave Ramsey way - I have my envelope system in place and it feels wonderful to know that I have enough money to cover what I need to cover WITH wiggle room.

I have a long way to go. It's going to take me a couple of months to get to where I really want to be and take some of his deeper steps - but what a lifted burden to not have to worry. It was awesome tonight to take my little book I keep in my purse and write down every dollar and toss it because I don't have to keep track that way anylonger. I know where my money is, how much I have for certain things, and if that line says "0", that means, "O"!

Sure feels great! It's weird how you resolve some of the greatest issues in life and everything else falls into place. Dave Ramsey talks about holding onto your money with a tight fist. If you are holding your money in a tight fist, none can leave, but none can come in either. Money is ment to be active. To flow. To move. It just needs to be assigned to where you want it to go. If you don't, it will go nowhere and you will then find yourself trying to figure out where it went in crisis mode 99% of the time.

It's awesome stuff. I recommend everyone who needs that extra push to enrich their lives - to take it. I am already being blessed for it. I can't wait till a few years down the road when I will be fruitfully rewarded.

Happy $$$!!

~Sandy

Falling into Fall

Monday night. It's chilly. Dawson has been in bed for almost an hour. He was so tired this morning. We both were. It's 8pm and I'm yawning. I'm ready for bed already. It's been a busy couple of months since my last post. We took a vacation to Buffalo to see Dave, Isaac, Grandma and the Oates Family. We had a great time. I'm really looking forward to getting back. It really does seem like home. Every since I first with to Buffalo in 1996, I didn't want to leave. When I left in 2005, I sacrificed what I wanted at the moment for what I wanted in the long run. Of course hind sight is always pure, clear vision. I regret many things, but I don't think I'd have learned and experienced the things I have come to appreciate if I hadn't gone through the experiences that I have. It all seems to work out at some point. I'm still figuring out as I go along - but life becomes clearer with each passing moment.

In August, I submitted my worst money habit to the Dave Ramsey Show. I was selected to talk with Dave Ramsey on his show! It was a defining moment. He enlightened me that my decisions (particularly money) are made from fear. He is right. You'd think I'd fear spending money and not saving diligently - but I don't. He was kind enough to offer his FPU Class (Financial Peace University) to me at no cost. I was elated. I have been going for 3 weeks now and have learned so much. I'm working through old habits, slowly making changes, but have been much more conscience of each decision. Even the quick stops for dinner on the way home because we are tired and hungry. Each time we pass on stopping it's one step in the right direction. It's a great feeling.

I have also been working on a new opportunity at work to outsource myself to do planning for other advisors. I have been making great progress and almost at the point to accept new assignments. I have a meeting this week to discuss the opportunity with an advisor in particular and I'm looking forward to the feedback. So far, from the mentors I've discussed and worked with - I'm onto a great opportunity. I am looking forward to growing my business to eventually not have a full-time 8 to 5 job, but a lucrative paying job, be my own boss, and live life!

It's exciting. Lots of great things heading our direction!

That's my update. Off to bed to get some needed sleep. I have been dreaming lately and I don't think it's letting me get restful sleep! :)

~Sandy

Summer is almost over

There seems to be a sadness that it's August and Summer is almost over. Feels like it just got started. We had a late winter and to have school starting in a couple of weeks in boggling where the time goes. I look back and can't believe we've been here almost two years already. On the contrary, I wake up in the morning facing another day at work and it drags on and on. It's a joke between us that the clock stops at 8:00am. We bid out for the latest lunch possible just to make the afternoon go by. I'm not ready for summer to end. Dawson is growing much too fast and this time next year will be in Kindergarten. I already feel unprepared.

My friend Holly took summer pictures for us the other day. I love them! It depicts our summer so well. The fields of Idaho amidst the wheat. It will always capture the time we spent here when Dawson is older and we look back.

As I continue to contemplate our future, I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Shannon loaned me a book called "Execution, the art of getting things done". How appropriate is that. It's an excellent book. I often times find myself wanting to do something, have the initiative and will to do it, but to execute is a totally different story. And not only to execute, but execute well. I'm looking forward to finishing it.

I got a quote today: The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now by Zig Ziglar. This is SO my life. A defining moment when every decision made over the past 3 to 4 years has fit into this very simple phrase. Our family grew up in the moment, I admit. A seeing my parents die at such an early age - they almost did it right. Enjoyed every single minute, then poof - you are gone. 59 is much to young to die and I don't want to die that young, but there is argument to be made for living in the moment. I live by that philosophy, yet was recently called out on NOT living in the moment and looking ahead with anxiety too often. Almost chronically. It made me think and reflect on many things in my life.

The simple matter is this - the same philosophy I educate clients on and have the desire to live by - what legacy do you want to leave? Something to think about as the summer comes to a close and "play" time is suppose to be done.

Dawson gave me a Magic show this morning! I was uploading our weekend pictures and turned around to hear him announce: "Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls". So, he invited me to watch a rabbit come out of his hat. No rabbit. I hinted he might find a pig (he took my hint and went and got Lucy - his stuffed pig). Out came the pig after closing my eyes and not being able to look to see how the REAL magic was done. He's so creative. I love it!

Independence Day

It must be in the air. Or rather has been for a few weeks. Dawson had been gaining independence at mach levels. First making his own cereal. I mean everything from climbing up, getting his own bowl, etc. Even pouring his own milk. Today, would you believe he actually washed his own dishes from lunch and dinner (he washed like a 4 year old, none the less, he washed) We spent time cleaning his room before bed, playing a game, and finally giving him a leg rub. He's been complaining of leg cramps - probably growing pains along with mine of his growing independence. My frustration all weekend was his desire to cross streets without holding my hand. Carrying a drink with already full hands. This is where it all starts. The age of knowing everything.

It's kind of ironic how we evolve through this role reversal. Confession. While walking to fireworks last night and my hands full (carrying a chair, two blankets and my newly purchased drink), I tripped on the sidewalk and everything went flying. I fell doing no damage - other than my ego. Scared Dawson to death. He picked up the stuff off the ground, picked me up (well tried), even kissed my hand better. I'm sorta giggling out of embarrassment and he's telling me it is not funny! Later we giggled about it some more and he insisted to BE CAREFUL!

This all comes after he tripped while throwing a football in a game booth. He drew blood. I just scrapped my hand. A bunch of misfits. But we have each other. Despite his desire for independence and my desire to be needed, we'll both trip and stumble, giggle about it and tell on each other. But in the end, we would have been there for one another to not only help each other, but to tattle.

4th of July Festivities

 

Dawson and I had a GREAT 4th of July. It is my favorite holiday actually. I don't really know why, but I'd take an awesome 4th of July as equally as a great Christmas. I'm not a good gift giver or aceptor. Perhaps that's why. It's often difficult to get to the root of the celebration and why we celebrate certain holidays. Easter and Christmas seem to be about other things and not the people that made them. The 4th of July is about the people and the celebrations of the cause - which I absolutely love.

We started off our holiday with a wonderful concert Thursday evening. We went to hear Maureen McGovern and Daniel Beck at the Civic Auditorium. I wasn't sure how Dawson would do, but he hung out with me pretty good. He last to the intermission. Which was about 8:10 and that is bedtime anyway. So, we left. It was a great concert though. The beginning was especially moving when the orchestra, chorus and a huge crowd of kids representing high schools in the area did a Star Spangled Banner presentation as they presented the flags. Very touching and a great start to the holiday.

I had Friday off of work and it was a great day just to do nothing. We did grocery shopping, took a couple of blankets to the laundry mat, had lunch at Leo's (Dawson's favorite Pizza place). The rest of the day/evening was spent hanging out at home. We had planned all week to go to see Ice Age and Dawson wanted to go to Leo's. So, he made the choice. Which was fine - Much Cheaper than the movies these days!

Saturday got even better. Woke up late and headed to the parade at 8:30am. I have to admit our parade is a pretty entertaining one. We enjoyed it. Dawson's favorite was the Colonial dressed men drmmers. Mine was of course the marching bands. They are not like they use to be though. Our band had 150 people in it. Very professional and every parade was an event for us. Much more laid back these days and probably the largest band had 30 - 40 kids. Still fun. After the parade dispersed, we headed for lunch, then to the greenbelt to see the festivities. Dawson had been waiting all week for the jumpy things. So, the jumpy things we went too! He loves those things. I spotted a yawn shortly after that and we headed home for a nap so that I could see if I could keep him up for fireworks. After a nap we packed up a picnic and headed back the greenbelt to find "our space". Hung out, people watched and made it to the fireworks. It was a great night! Beautiful display and all in all a weekend full of patriotism, and lots of lots of walking.

Happy 4th everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

Fasten Your Seatbelt

 

Seems everyone needs security. Dawson was insistant on buckling in his "Super Pig" whom he's named Lucy one week, Ed the next. Not sure of his/her name this week. But there "it" sits on the couch. Dawson puts blankets over him/her when Dawson is cold. Shares his dinner - even shared an apple earlier today. I'm greatful Dawson has acquired skills of caretaking and empathy. It makes me proud that he's developed a conscience.

I watched him while at dinner the other night and the music was playing in the background a little louder than normal. He had his eyes closed, chewing a corn dog and in perfect rhythm moving to the music.

I often wish I were that in tune. Remember the days when you actually knew how to relax. I feel impatient lately. Rushing through the day, not having a desire to wait, enjoy. I feel an imense lack of security. I have everything to be secure about. I have a secure job. I have a place to live. I have a decent income. I have money in the bank. I have a super little boy, food in the fridge, clean clothes. So, what's to feel so insecure? The person you could turn too. Of everything I have, the Lord is feeling so frustrated that it's never enough. When it is. I'd really like to understand why I need to feel secure arms around me. That nothing could go wrong. It's been years since I've had that. Everything rests on my shoulders.

Today I was tired. We spent the entire day yesterday at the park, running around, playing. Dawson had friends over. We played games. Dawson helped me make brownies. Today, I just wanted to rest. There is no rest. Back to the park. Constant conversation. There is no joke when someone said parenting is Full-time. Out of frustration before dinner, I sat on the couch and said, I need a break. Dawson sat with me for about 3-5 minutes. I'm probably being generous. "Break over" he yelled and said can we walk to the park now. Leaving a messy apartment, which was clean when we woke up - off we walked to the park. It is a beautiful day outside. But, I need a break.

 

Happy Flag Day!

It's the Simple Pleasures

 


The end to a sweet day. I wish moments like this would never end. I love being a mother. I had a great teacher. My mother was a great one. Both teacher and mother. I hope it just gets better with each generation. I miss you mom.

The Simple Things in Life

What a great day! Despite an early rise (4:45am), Dawson and I had a wonderful day. Nothing that would appear to be out of the ordinary, normal things, but today was special. We spent the day with my grandma. We sat on her front porch and blew bubbles watching the wind carry them off into the sky. It was sprinkling on and off, but the bubbles continued. We each took turns with the bubble gun seeing who could make a bubble go the farthest. Dawson stood below the porch and swatted a few trying not to let anyone beat him out - thus far he had the bubble that was winning. The day was like spending it with my mother. I see where all the mannerisms come from - they are so much alike. In their words, in their sillyness, in their reactions, in their creativity. I loved it. My grandmother thinks that she needs to "entertain" us when we come visit. Little does she know how much Dawson enjoys playing with Uncle Doug, watching the cartoon channel for a change, and just plain ole vegging on the couch. And me, I could just sit in quiet and watch grandma for hours. She putters. She browses the yard like she knows every single piece of grass blade and where it goes. She has sat on that front porch many times. Come to think of it, we are ending another decade this year - which means more than 50 years in that house of hers. Although now it is painted a seabreeze green, the yard arranged slightly different, a fence now around the perimeter, a carport where there was just open sky - through all the changes, grandma still sits on the porch and enjoys the goings and comings of those around her.

I thought about that all the way home. Why do I find it so difficult to find my porch? I always believed home is where the heart is. But sometimes I dream about my own home and the garden that I would create. The rose bushes and lillies that I browse each day surrounding my own yard. A place where we might have a trampoline or a swing set. A gazebo for resting. Perhaps even a pond with a trinkling waterfall. A place where the smell of fresh cut grass draws you in.

I can't wait to have a home. Not only where I hang my hat each day, but the place Dawson takes his kids and grandkids too one day to tell them, that's where he grew up. The place that he drives by and smiles at all the fond memories of bike riding, pulling weeds, visions of his mother tending the garden, the sweat he poured mowing the lawn summer after summer. Even that lemonade stand he once had. If there is any motivation than that - to build those memories with him in our own place where happiness reigns - it'll someday be our place we call home.

Changing the Sheets

It's been a challenging few nights at our house. The other night Dawson refused to put on a pull-up which we use at night to alleviate bed wetting. And also some washing. It take 3 loads to wash the sheets and mattress cover. Not to mention there is no place else to sleep once my bed is wet so we have to change sheets in the middle of the night - not too pleasant.
Dawson did GREAT the first night. We limited his chocolate milk to a half of cup an hour or so before bed. We woke up at our usual 5am and he wanted something to drink. Figuring we were awake enough now that if he had to go to potty - he'd be awake enough to go. Wrong. An accident. Another sheet washing. I kept my cool though! Praising him all the way for a good night and we'll try again tonight.
That brings us to last night. An early accident - 1am. Dawson woke wet and cold. I was asleep on the couch. I still kept my cool. I changed the sheets and we crawled into bed but Dawson wanted more to drink and I declined to get him anything. I tried to explain my reasoning which was not working. After 30 minutes I gave into a compromise. He could have chocolate milk, but he was going to drink it in his own bed. That worked. He still wanted a thumb though. Dawson goes to sleep rubbing my thumb - it's like his security blanket. So, I got his chocolate milk, sat next to his bed and he rubbed my thumb and fell asleep. Then I was wide awake, none the less he slept in till almost 8am. It worked. I will try that again tonight. Typically he falls asleep on the couch at night and that will give me the opportunity to move him to his bed. We'll try that.

On a personal note and update, I read yesterday where a friend on facebook wrote the following:
She spent her life folding herself into smaller and smaller pieces. They say you can't fold a piece of paper in half more than six times... the same cannot be said of a woman. She could fold herself into smaller and smaller pieces... thinking that each fold made her stronger. Able to face the world and not be touched. Through the years, some of the folds would come undone, and each time she would re-fold them, creasing the folds with care to make sure they were sharp and strong. Her face to the world hid the heart in the folds. She was sure that no one could unfold her... sure that her strength would protect her from the barbs and stings life threw her way. He... sat and stared into her. One fold undone. He... sat and stared some more. The night enveloping them both as they stared. Time not mattering. He... brushed her leg. Another fold undone. She... reached for his hand and he took it. Such a risk to reach for someone's hand... the fear of rejection deafening. Another fold undone. He... touched her hands and in his touch were worlds of words and wants and fire. Another fold... uncreased and smoothed out. The messages within the folds becoming clearer and clearer... blurred with years of folding and re-folding. Smudged with the tears of pain and frustration... he could still read them. Read them as if they were written only for him. Hours didn't matter. Nothing mattered except the unfolding... She.

That's exactly what I am looking for - that someone that wants to take the time to move through the folds one layer at a time. That one person that is interested to get to the center of the heart where it becomes all theirs. I didn't think that existed - but my friend perhaps has shown me otherwise. I think that is true love. I hope she has found that. And I hope too - one day I will as well.

I only have a 3 day work week next week and I'm looking forward to my time. I need a break. I'll take Dawson to school still - probably only part of the day but get some things done that I've needed to do. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Last night I was surfing the internet and stumbled upon a blog about single mom's. I don't know the guy who wrote the article and I'm not even sure what to think about it entirely. Another single mom posted a comment in response and seemed outraged by his words, but I have a sense that it has some merit despite it's obvious theme of being discontent with single mom's. I got the impression from him that he was not able to see his son due to the mother's not allowing - which I think is wrong, but I also know that we have strong instincts as mothers and I just don't judge on only half the information. I on the other hand, feel very frustrated most of the time that Dave doesn't seek out Dawson as much as I wish he would. I feel as though the relationship would deteriorate if I didn't continue to push to keep it together. If I didn't take Dawson to NY - they would not see each other. Dave on two occassions when we lived in Florida came to see us and that was because my father paid for the plane tickets. We (Dawson and I) love to travel and explore. Taking the time and expense to go to NY twice a year is far from an obligation (albeit one - agreed upon by our divorce decree) but a welcomed one. We enjoy those trips. And we are both welecomed with open arms. But once we are gone - it's out of sight out of mind. Whereas that is not the case here. Maybe I try to hard, but Dave is a huge part of our lives even when he's not around. We talk about him, we look at pictures almost daily, we read stories and tell stories about "dad", about all the family. It was just yesterday that Dawson was reciting the months of the year and he skipped February. I teased him - better not forget February that's when Daddy's birthday is. So we proceeded to go through the months and whose birthday was happening that month. It was fun! And we are on this kick - I'm calling daddy to tell on you!

Today is Sunday and we usually make a call to Dave on this day. Dawson of course is 4 and unless I catch an opportunity - a phone call is not on his list of priorities for the day. It's been two weeks and despite us not calling, Dave has not called either. How do you tell someone - the phone works both ways. I know Dave loves his son - but actions speak louder than words. Isn't that what he has always scolded me for? He doesn't want to believe my words and waits for my actions. I see that I'm the only actionable one. Some of my actions may have not been the right choices - none the less - action was made. I didn't just sit by and do nothing. Perhaps I need a different perspective.

So, I'm hooked! I'm an official Heritage Makers Personal Publishing Consultant. In laymans terms that means I'm a digital storybook sales person! A license scrapbook and show off my work. I'm Psyched!! I love this stuff. I just completed a father's day book for Dave and have several projects already started. I plan to create my dream book. It's a philosophy we follow at Ameriprise called The Dream Book. I'm going to make mine to share with clients and to keep me focused on my dreams in life. I then of course want to do a book for Dawson each year of his life that he will receive on his birthday the following year. One of my fondest memories growing up was the blanket my mom would make us each year. This will be my contribution to Dawson as he grows - a memory book of his life during that one year span. I also am planning to re-create my weight loss book. I've gained a few pounds back since my weight loss in 2003 and I'm hoping it will motivate me back to where I want to be weight wise.

I have a few Christmas gifts in mind and will keep them secret for now. I'm excited! I haven't been this focused on something fun and exciting for me in a long time. Wish me luck!

~Sandy
www.createyourstory.net

Super Mom

Each morning in my email I get these devotionals from a Christian website. I look forward to them each and everyday. It's the first thing I do in my office as soon as I log on. Somehow it gets me started on the right foot.

Which this morning did not. I was irritated and upset with Dawson this morning. He was especially needy and I was trying to get ready for work. My apartment is a mess - not really messy but unstraightened. The dishes are done, but piled up clean and ready to put away. My bedroom floor has laundry piled and Dawson's room is a disaster. As I helped Dawson get ready this morning we were bantering about his room. He needed me to help him get a helicopter stuffed behind his bed he couldn't reach. You can't even walk across the floor without stepping on something. So, I began. "Dawson, we will not go on our trip this weekend unless this room and our house is clean." He was teasing, as we had been teasing, but his reply was "You clean it!" I did not take it lightly. Poor kid. I picked him up, set him on the couch, shook my finger at him and said, "NO! WE WILL CLEAN IT! OR WE WONT GO ANYWHERE!" Probably not the best approach. So, he was upset. I was upset and after a few moments of getting his shoes on I sat and held him apologizing. Trying to explain how much work it takes to keep our home clean and he could be a huge help to me if he would work hard to keep his room clean and organized. He accepted and off to work and school we went.

Of course I felt bad. I truly hate it when I lose my patience. I keep patient for so long, but then there is that final straw. My heart is constantly seeking the Lords help to keep control and NOT belittle Dawson but guide him to be all he can be.

So, this mornings devotional was just what I needed. It was perfect for me at this very moment. I read:

Ten years ago I sat in a seminar listening to a very organized mom talking about how she parented her kids. She was an amazing woman; a super mom in my eyes.
I held up my feeble efforts with my three toddlers and determined I stunk as a mother. I thought that maybe if I went home and imitated her, I could enter into the world of super moms.
I mentally listed out what I discerned must be her secret to success and set about to be just like her. But it didn't take me long to become absolutely miserable. I mentally beat myself up for not having what it obviously took to be a great mom. What was wrong with me?
I begged God to make me just like her - that really good mom. And then one day in Bible study I read the story of Mary, the teenage mother of Jesus. My heart beat fast as I realized she didn't meet the standard of super mom I'd set for myself.
Somehow, just as she was, God chose her to be Jesus' mother. And the only qualification that she seemed to have was her willingness.
I made the choice to try and let go of all those expectations I had for myself as a mom. I let go of the comparisons to other moms. I laid down the measuring stick of perfection. And I simply bowed my head and gave God my willingness.
Slowly, I started to see my own unique qualities as a mom instead of always focusing on the places I felt I fell so short.
I may not be the most organized mom, but I'm a fun mom willing to drop my to-do list in the name of spontaneity.
I may not do sit-down devotions with my kids every morning, but I'm good at helping my kids see God working in situations all throughout our days.
I may not sew a lick, but I know where to find an alterationist that is the bomb.
I may not always keep my cool in the everyday aggravations of life, but throw something big at me and somehow I'll be the calmest person in the room.
Sure, I have a lot of room for growth in my mothering. God and I work on things daily. But over the past ten years I've learned how to embrace who I am and the beauty of living fully as me.
And while I still fall short at times, I'm finally learning that being fully me is so much better than an imitation version of someone else.
I have the exact qualities God knew my kids would need in a mother. So, each day I hold up my willingness and ask God to make me the best version of me I can be.

Dear Lord, I admit that I am dependant on You in every area of my life, as a mother, a wife, a co-worker, a daughter, and a friend. Help me to understand the depth of Your love for me. Thank You for being familiar with me in all my ways. Thank You for laying your hand upon me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:If you are in the Dallas metro area, you're invited to be in the studio audience for the appearance of Lysa TerKeurst on the LIFE Today show with James & Betty Robison, Tuesday, May 26 at 7 p.m. Tickets are free, but you must reserve your seat. Call 817-354-3655 or email audience@loi.org. The studios are located at 1801 West Euless Boulevard, Euless, Texas 76040.

Much Love,
Sandy

Single Motherhood

One of the greatest challenges of single motherhood is being inseparable from your child. The little things like "I'm running to the store - be back in a few minutes." "Headed to the gym - be back in an hour."

It is 7:45pm and Dawson is out cold. He is exhausted (I think even more than I) by the time he gets home from school. We play for a bit, eat dinner and he's out. Then what? I straighten the apartment, flip on the TV and fire up the computer. My only way to link myself to the outside world and find out what's going on beyond my office and home walls.

I often find myself "wishing" for time to do a few things I'd like to be able to enjoy. A nightly bike ride. An exercise routine at the gym. The truth is, if I had access to these things, I probably wouldn't be taking advantage of them. The truth is, I can exercise right here in my living room with a video that I actually enjoy when I turn it on. The truth is, I own an exercise bike and I'm sitting on the couch not on the bike. I'm not deprived. I lack will power in motivating myself to accomplish the things I want - but don't seem to work for.

My clothes are getting too tight and I NEED to get some weight off. My sister is finding great success in losing weight and I'm so proud of her. She works very hard at it. I remember after my surgery how easy it was to lose weight. You have NO appetite. Now I can't seem to get enough to eat. That coupled with my sedentary life is not working!

It is almost June already. I have some work to do to be where I want to be by September. I use to be a size 14 and have clothes galore if I'd get back to that weight. That is 40 lbs away. I can do this!

Off to the exercise bike and then I'll clean up dinner dishes. I'll report back tomorrow!

Sandy

Isn't it just great!

Okay. It's time. My brain is on overload. Time to put some thoughts down before my ears pop off. I have been working on a few projects and am enjoying every moment. I have been working on a new scrapbook for Dave for father's day. It's been fun. I hope he likes it. I've had Dawson complete a few pictures about "Dad's" and need to get them scanned in for the album. I'm excited.

It's been a few days since I've posted. I don't know why I feel the need to post when I truly have something to say, I'm not one to be without words. I always think I talk too much.

Mother's Day weekend was great. Weather was nice, company was nice and Dawson, as usual, was a joy to hang out with. Dawson and I spent Saturday with my mother's side of the family in Blackfoot. We picked up Grandma in Pocatello, visited with my Uncle Doug for a bit and off we went. We had a Mother's Day lunch at Sandy Cloughs home (this is my mother's niece). A few of my mother's Aunt's and Uncle's, cousins showed and we got to visit for a little bit. On such a great day it was comforting to be around my mother's family. Hanging out with my grandmother is almost like hanging out with my mother. They are SO much alike. Dawson enjoyed meeting some new friends who took him exploring in the back yard. They found a bird's nest and of course like curious children, brought the egg inside to show us. Oh my gosh. Although that will be the end of the little egg, it was so fun to watch the kids curious and exploring.

Sunday was spent with Dawson. First church, home for lunch, and we both took a 3 hour nap. It was awesome. We spent the evening playing and getting ready for the work week. Dawson made me a wonderful poster with his hand print and a poem. I always enjoy my time with him. He takes such great pride in putting a smile on my face.

I love life. I love the future prospect of my work. Succeeding to help provide a better life for those around me. I am having fun and see Dawson and I having even more fun as we build this life together. There are great things happening and I can visualize it all coming together in what is my perfect vision. Although life is never complete - even when you think it just doesn't get any better. Surprises fall from the sky.

Happy Day!
~Sandy

I've been chuckling througout the day. Have you ever been around someone who is laughing and you laugh even though you have no idea what you are laughing about? I woke myself up this morning out of a dead sleep laughing. I have no idea what I was dreaming/thinking about - I've tried to remember all day because whatever it was, it was absolutely hilarious. I must've been somewhere or doing something where I couldn't laugh outloud because I was laughing so hard on the inside and not able to show it. I'd love to know what was so funny!

So, I'm wondering if that is what contributed to my good day. We had a great day at the office. Productive and it went by quickly. Can't ask for more than that. I did have my conference call with Shannon this morning and as always - we have great conversations. I'm so excited and encouraged by our partnership - and again - IT WILL HAPPEN! :) There is a lot of hard work ahead, sweat, probably some tears, but ultimately we are on the right path. I'm excited!

I have a pot roast in the slow cooker, rolls rising and going to pick up Grandma Larson in the morning to spend the afternoon at Sandy and Gayle Clough's home. There is family that came in this past week for mom's Aunt Donna's funeral. It will be fun to see everyone and especially hear stories about mom growing up. I love those times.

An overall great day - looking forward to the weekend with Dawson. The weather is improving and we may even get a park visit in this weekend sometime.

Sandy

The Written Word

The reality of the written word has set in. We are held accountable when we write and it's in black and white. I admit the past couple of days I am apprehensive about writing. I enjoy writing and there is a sense of freedom putting down your thoughts and then moving onto the next thought.

I'm looking foward to a conference call I have tomorrow with a good friend of mine. She was my manager when I first joined Ameriprise almost 8 years ago when I was a brand new advisor in the securities industry. She taught me ALOT. Our lives have parallelled in many ways and it's been about 5 months now that we have discussed a possible partnership in Buffalo. The thought, the idea, the possiblity is such an overwhelmingly exciting prospect I don't know where to start. I want to see it come together so eagerly that it turns into a pressure to succeed and not a journey of growth via trials and errors.

Writing holds me accountable to my dreams. And what if those dreams don't happen? How do you work with every fiber of your being yet want to put full faith in the Lord that it is his will? It is exhausting to not let the fear outweigh the faith.

My future business partner is one of the most motivating people I know. Notice I said "My future business partner". It will happen. I know it will. I'm destined to this particular one. I'm working hard for it. The benefits of living this dream for personal success, the financial well being for Dawson and I, the ability to do what I love most in helping people succeed in meeting their own finanical dreams and freedoms gives me the ambition to press on. Don't let this dream slip Sandy. It's yours. The Lord will delight in the positive impact I can have on others. The legacy I can help others build, as well as my own legacy - my little part to make the world a better place. And I can't wait to look back and remind myself that it all started with one little idea. One little opportunity and the greatest step to overcome fear one could ever encounter. My way of accepting a committment that I want to make. To embrace my ability to follow through every step of the way. To accept the hardships with the rewards. To relish in the rainbow after a storm. To let myself fall into God's work without hesitation, question or fear.

All victory and glory is brought to pass unto you through your diligence, faithfulness, and prayers of faith. D&C 103:36

Just Another Manic Monday!

Today was busy and I can't wait till tomorrow. Additional RAM should be in for my computer and I'm hopeful that it solves ALOT of my computer and time efficiency issues. WAITING is not my strong point. In most cases, I'm not so sure that is such a bad thing. You usually don't have to wait around for me to get something done. I remember the day very clearly when I felt lazy. Those were my heavier days when I WAS lazy. It's been a long time since I've been that way. Oh, I have my days where I don't want to do too much, but for the most part, I'd consider myself far from lazy.

My lack of patience has given me some perspective though. Last week I calculated the exact amount of time it takes to do certain tasks. You know, I have to back up my spending with a true cost analysis. So, I worked on the three major projects that I do with my time. It took 3 minutes 25 seconds to open up Word program alone. That doesn't sound long, but try sitting there starring at your screen for that long without being able to do anything! I work in a financial analysis program and it's a big program. Most of it is web based and our internet connection doesn't help much, but still. To go from program to program and the other two applications I have open to get information that feeds the analysis I do is torturous on my patience and on my day when I'm trying to complete tasks!

I am impatient. I'll admit it. I like to be able to solve problems, tie up lose ends, fix whatever as quickly as possible and move on. Sometimes that is not such a good thing. Some decisions take thought, preparation, pondering, even maybe a "T" chart. But to wait any length of time drives me nuts. Most people would characterize me as a patient person. Probably because I have a child that I exhibit a lot of patience. THAT does not make me patient. My impatience probably is a byproduct of why I don't hold grudges. I forgive and forget. Move on.

I'm not exactly sure how to work on developing more patience. The only piece I've managed to learn to control over the past few years is not make BIG decisions lightly. Thinking my way through them, weighing the pro's and con's and surrounding other choices around that decision in small particular ways. I have learned to plan. I enjoy the process of planning. I enjoy feeling prepared. For this I am grateful. But the patience - especially when the outcome looks positive - I can't wait to make it happen. Please forgive my over anxiousness. Its a compliment.

We had a baby blessing in church today. Talk about a renewing of the spirit. The chapel was packed and there seemed to be a huge support network for this young couple who had their first child. I remember the day Dawson received his baby blessing. It was Easter Sunday in Buffalo. Tyler Showalter, my home teacher at the time, did the blessing and he's now married and a new dad himself. We have not spoken since I left Buffalo - but I'm sure now that he is a father he has a sense of great accomplishment.

The priesthood is a powerful entity. I'm very grateful for the powers that they hold. There is nothing greater in this life than a man of honor who gives his life to the Lord and serves with the love and devotion to God as much as his family.

It's been a pretty quiet day. And surprisingly as active as my thoughts have been, I feel quiet today. It's the fresh rain with the doors and windows open. Dawson and I took a enjoyable nap. We haven't done that in a few weeks. We sat on the back of the couch and listened to the thunder. I didn't realize that Dawson hadn't paid much attention to Thunder before. It was fun.

Overall, a nice quiet day. No heavy thoughts, no overwhelming issues. Just a peaceful Sunday with my son. The mental break is welcomed. Tomorrow will be here before you know it and another week ahead. I'm looking forward to what great surprises the week may bring. :)

~Sandy

The Gift

I received a gift from my bishop in Jacksonville, FL one time. He was discussing with me the "suggestion" that I begin to prepare for my temple endowments. There was no greater desire for me than to be able to go through the temple, but I was not ready. There was no way I would allow myself into such a sacred institution with the amount of imperfections I carried with me. So, we discussed openly what those imperfections were. The Bishop listened and didn't say much. He gave me the book, "Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball. His only request was to read it and pray about it and when I was finished we'd meet again. I agreed and that was that. I thumbed through the book on a few occasions over the course of a few weeks.

It was probably almost two months before I actually pulled it out and read it. It was early fall and it took me about 3 months honestly to get through it. I called the Bishop and set the appointment. The following month I started Temple Prep classes and worked towards preparing for the Temple. I had planned a visit to see my sister March of 2007 and it was then we'd go together through the Houston Temple. First, I would receive my own Endowments, secondly Brent would be proxy and have my father baptized through baptisms for the dead, thirdly we'd have a couple proxy to seal my parents together for all time and eternity and lastly, Jody and I would be sealed to my parents for all time and eternity. We did all of this on March 10th. My mother's birthday. It was the greatest day of my life above all else I had ever experienced. It was the purest I'd ever felt. It was the most beautiful I'd ever felt. I'll never ever forget that day.

It's been a great blessing to go through several Temples across the country since that time. I'm so grateful for the privilege I have to be a part of something so heavenly. The covenants that one makes are sacred and treasured. Although I have never felt isolated from sin it envelops me in a security of faith that I feel does not falter. I am weak and make mistakes, however, the miracle of forgiveness does live within me. It is not others that I find I need to forgive. It is myself I have the most difficult time forgiving. We have such a merciful God. It sounds so simple to open up and receive his gifts that allow us to grow mentally and spiritually. I find it a continous challenge to ask for his help and guidance. It's not until I sit down and remind myself that I accepted to follow his conventants. There is a deep need the Lord has for his children. I have a desire that burns inside of me to seek righteousness through diligent prayer by showing my gratitude and respecting Him and his Son to ask for his help to change and do what is right. I need His guidance more than ever to be the daughter he wants me to be. I know my eternal salvation depends on it.

I have picked up the book to reread again. It's time. I'm looking forward to the rejuvenation of peace this book always brings and I need to be reminded of my self worth and the daughter of God that I am. I need to be reminded that there is no greater gift than Eternal Life. I have a blessing not too many others get to have in this life. I will get to rein in Celestial Glory with my family. One day Dawson will be sealed to me. I have a testimony of miracles. I have an unwavering faith that the Lord continues to provide. Eventually it all seems to come together and often times with a greater than one could imagin surprise.

So, onward. My mistakes drive my character because I long to learn from them. We can receive forgiveness through repentance when mistakes are not repeated. The love of my Heavenly Father and Christ will power me through.

Insight into this books is at: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=da135f74db46c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=2909862384d20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1&contentLocale=0

The Grieving Process

Does one really complete the grieving process? I am trying so desperately to understand things, people, events and choices so that I can be a better person. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past few months and feel dragged down by my past. I want to overcome this loneliness and be able to radiate a real confidence. Not the fake one I've had on for so long.

The world as I knew it was crushed when my father died. To think nothing worse could happen and then to have your mother die one short month later. My heart would sink to hear someone tell me this story of their life - so why do I feel such a need to emerge out of this some great superwoman appearing to not have been affected by it all in such a deep way. I'm crushed. And I'm not exactly sure how to move through it without this constant feeling of deprivation. I feel as though I have no guidance and it contributes to my "lost soul" syndrome. I have some great friends who care and would listen to me talk all day if I asked them too. But where are those arms that you can fall into and feel safe with your emotions? I have missed that for years. It's my weakest point. I can understand how people die from a broken heart.

I can't help but think about my ex-mother in law and her sitting at the kitchen table scolding Dave - "You are going to be an old lonely man if you don't change your ways". How ironic is it that Dave is not the lonley one. He's managed to find his place, find his happiness, and move into a better more fulfilling place. I know it wasn't easy for him. Why can't I find that? What is holding me back? Finding out that your ex-husband is happily involved in a relationship with a woman who is the antithesis of me, starts this grieving process all over again. Three years later.

I've already yelled at my father for hiring the attorney. I didn't want an attorney. I've already yelled at my mom for not putting her foot down and telling me divorce is not an answer till all options have been explored. She was the one that taught me to never give up! I'm angry and I can easily try to blame others, but it was my doing. I am the one responsible for these actions. Despite my losses. Despite losing a husband through Divorce, a wonderful step-son in that process, my parents through death, losing myself in my identity - I cling to the spirit that lives within me that sought to do the right thing. Dave was obviously as unhappy - it had been months since we'd even kissed like a couple should kiss. When someone tells you years later that they will always love you - is that really true. Because if love was iminent and it was that strong then why would you let someone go. I was not in a place to fight. I had no strength left to think. I had a numbness that moved me through time without logic and attention. I admit I was in pieces and I didn't have a grip. I needed strong, firm arms to tell me it would be all right somehow. I needed soft lips on my cheek to seep into my body and feel that the only love I had known would not be gone too. I tried in my own way to be strong. Is there some solace in knowing you did the best you could with what you could at the time.

The world doesn't seem to stop even when the hearts of some do. My heart still beats. Through all the pain, turmoil and loss - it's my turn to forgive myself and find those arms that look forward to embracing me no matter how weak or strong my moment may be. I do believe in Eternity. Families are forever.

Long Term Goals

I spent some time today revisiting my goals over the next year - that I was suppose to be working on since January! And Look, it's May! Lofty ones now that I look at my page. I honestly believe they are achievable - but at what level of sacrifice.

1. I've had a difficult time with my weight over the last year. I've gained close to 35 lbs since being in Idaho. I can probably list an entire book of contributing factors, but that won't solve a thing. The bottom line is that I'm about 50 lbs overweight and I need to do something about it before it gets unachievable. I bought Dexatrim for a headstart which I will start tomorrow. I heard I should not take the pill at night or I'll be awake all night. So, tomorrow morning I'll start. Heck, It's May 2nd - Right! Good of time as any. So, the ultimate goal is to lose 50 lbs by the end of the year. The babystep goal is to lose 10 lbs this month. I got a resitance band - as the flab on my arms and batwings drive me "batty" - no pun intended. I have an exercise bike which I have used on occassion but not consistently to make a difference. This is the plan: 10 - 15 min of reistance training a day - altering legs and arms each day. The bike 30 minutes a day and my ball video twice a week. I get a day off on Monday's to eat really whatever I want but the rest of the week is devoted to healthy choices. I can trade my Monday for another day if there happens to be a special occassion but Monday's we eat lunch out at work so that's my free day for now.

2.) Saving money. I've gone to a cash only basis and that has tremndously helped over the past year. I have saved so much in fee's that I use to accrue that it's not even funny. Probably make you sick. I live within my means. Do not subscribe to cable or any other day to day luxuries. My cell phone is prepay and considered a luxury. When my minutes are done - so is the phone until next refill date! I don't have a car payment - I drive a used modest car that works great. The only "luxury" Dawson and I afford is his school and our two trips to Buffalo each year. My financial goal is to have $15,000 in my trading account one year from today. What that will mean is to continue my savings rate that I contribute to now, take the payments from debt that will be paid off this August and apply that excess to the account and take 75% of any commissions I make over this next year go directly to the account. I get to keep 25% of commissions in my spending account for day to day things.

3.) Read my scriptures. I long to be more in touch with the word of the Lord. I will take 30 minutes every morning to develop those skills and at a minimum of 1 hour on Sunday's to study, journal and understand readings from both the Bible and The Book of Mormon.

I'm going to set my goals to those three things for now. When I have a handle on my reading, exercise and savings - I'll move onto the next one taking my strongest goal off the list and adding the next weakest goal to develop. In the batter's box is Love and Logic program.

I'm excited! It'll be a great achievement to have these accomplished.

It'll be great!
~Sandy

Dreams

So, last night I had a dream. A very vivid dream and I find myself trying to analyze it. Primarily because I don't remember my dreams that often and so when I wake up and remember some specific details - I often wonder.

It was present time (I assume - because I visualized myself as I am now) at some kind of high school reunion party. Everywhere I looked - I saw high school friends. We were gathered at a very large swimming pool where there were two huge diving boards. Each person taking turns diving off the boards into a pool full of Elephants playing and wading around. I was extremely fearful of the height of the diving board but finally took the plunge. Upon my surface, I was greeted by an old friend whom I've been in love with since Jr.High. He wrapped his arms around me, looked me in the eyes and said how much he loved me. He's always loved me. I couldn't believe after all this time we finally could be together. The Temple marriage to my best friend was the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. It was so surreal.

If that isn't focused - I don't know what is. The significance of the Elephants? Your guess is as good as mine. I find it fascinating - yet a short glimpse of hope. Who knows? I drempt the same guy tried to sell me vacuum cleaners too - Just call me crazy. I think it's hilarious in a weird kind of way.

Dreams are fun. What ever would we do without them.

My Living Portfolio Theory - Life Philosophy

My Living Portfolio Theory is my daily diary into my life. The good, The bad, The ugly and The beauty.
A little background: In my line of work, I work consistently with what is known as The Portfolio Theory. I believe in this theory. For example, where the past performance of securities is used to determine the range of possible future performances and a probability is attached to each performance. A component of the Portfolio Theory is known as the Standard Deviation. That is a statistical measure of the degree to which an individual value in a probability distribution tends to vary from the mean of the distribution. The greater the degree of dispersion, the greater the risk. (re-read that - you'll get it) In English? Each holding (Security, Mutual Fund, etc) is given a Standard Deviation measurement so that investors can evaluate the holding against a benchmark and make a decision as to the amount of risk they want to assume.
Why am I telling you all of this? It is my life philosophy. I believe our past creates our future. It defines who we are, what we want and what we are willing to do to obtain certain life things (emotional, spiritual, material). As a people, we don't give ourselves a number on a scale - nor do we have entities like MorningStar giving us an individual rating, however, evaluation is created on a person's perspective of that individuals "standard deviation" and the risk/reward they gain from that interaction and relationship natuarlly based on a variety of factors. The world is made of these relationships. Everyone we interact with, even observe or have been influenced by (ie... an author, a famous figure, a higher being) has an impact on our "Portfolio" as a whole and it's allowing that person (mortal or not) to be or not to be a piece of your pie. Do you take the risk or alleviate it?
I look at my life like that "Portfolio". The pieces to my pie that create my world. It is here I write about the pieces to my pie. Enjoy.

What to say, how much to say and when to say it?

This is scary. To wonder who many come across your written word. There is a sense that you want people to understand you, however, blogging it for the world to see seems almost invasive. Despite my love to read other's blogs, perhaps like several friends of mine the free writing of the day to day life, feelings, trials and prized moments could be my personal "calgon" moment. Could it?



One can't just sit and start from the beginning and try to explain everything. There is so much to say. I think I could talk all day long if I have someone sitting there with interest and intent to listen. It's probably why I don't date. It's been my experience that men really don't care what you have to say - it's all about action. There may be some validity to that - but I like to talk and ponder my own thoughts as well as others.



So, I guess here it goes. The perspective of a woman who still remains one lost soul. Perhaps through this I'll find myself.



~Sandy