The house that built me

I heard this song tonight. The house that built me, by Miranda Lambert. Beautiful beautiful song. I'v spoken many times about seeking "home". As, I have just moved again, I look back at my life and realized that I have had many homes. Some longer than others. Some temporary. Some more permenant. The home in Las Cruces is what I would call home because it probably has the greatest memories of my "growing up" years.

The first home I can remember is 325 Dutton Dr. It has a ring to it and always will. Being up here in Idaho, I've driven by it on several occassions. That two story house on the end of the street looks so different than when I was a girl. The street has grown and although there are small details that remind me of that place, it has changed in the last 30 years. Then there was the home (apartment) that Jody and I shared for a time in Arizona. What memories that place had. The night I drove into town to go to my new home, my parents decided to divorce. Of course they never did, but it was a night I will never forget. Then that old trailer home in Clarence, NY. Our beautiful, quiet, first married home. I remember coming back from our honeymoon in sandals and it had snowed. Walking up the driveway with frozen feet. So glad to be home. Then the yellow house on McKinley. With the huge Pine tree I dreamed of putting Christmas lights on. The tree is gone. The memory remains.

But the home, the home that really built me was more than just temporary. The home where my lilac tree lives. The home where the leaves fall in abundance, the apple trees produce, the turkeys venture through, the deer lurk, the woodchuck in his wood pile. The home with so many memories. A home where lives started and ended. The home where angels watch over. Children have grown into adults. Rooms have been shifted, painted, reorganized. Pictures exchanged, relocated, renewed and sometimes replaced.

That home molded me. The home at one time I couldn't wait to leave, I yearn to return. The home that built the heart and soul of a family I love. They say, a home is where the heart is. That is true. I've had many homes and it is what you make of it during the time those walls protect. But sometimes, it's the home that makes you. Life between the walls, that even in silence you can hear the memories.

I love that home. I love that Dawson will always, I mean always, have that home to build upon. It's a foundation that will never falter. Its a bit of heaven on earth. Lord, thank you for that home.

I am telling you......

The Lord works!! His will reigns. When it's HIS timing, miracles happen. I promise you this. I bore witness to this today.

~Sandy

"In a Relationship" - So the status says.....

I couldn't have asked for a better lead in to what I want to say than taking from Glen Beck's words today.... the leaves are changing. As I evolve and change as a woman, mother, sister, aunt, friend, co-worker; what is really changing is the relationship that I hold myself to the highest esteem - a Daughter of God.

When you make the decision to "get right with God" it involves some serious self-reflection. I have spent the past several months going through the process of who I am, what my purpose is and how does that lay upon my eternal map the Lord has for me. What I learned was amazing. I don't think I could even accurately reflect in writing the flood of knowledge that my heart, mind and soul has witnesses in the past weeks. Where it landed me - living Plan A!

God has a plan for all of us. From start to finish. There is no Plan B. Plan C. Plan D. There is only one plan for each of us - Plan A. I'm living it. I'm living what God has called of me. I sat in Pastor Rick's Bible Teaching last night and it were as though it were only he and I amongst an entire congregation of listeners. He spoke many things that resonated with me, but as he taught from the Book of Jude and explained the bondservant (Jude 1:1), consider me one. I am here to serve the Lord because I want to be. Because I have the opportunity to be in God's Love. It's an amazing transformation to accept Jesus into your heart and allow him to work miracles in, on and around you. What a blessing to be in this time.

So... yes, I am in a new relationship with my Lord Jesus. He is my Savior and the one that I can wholly submit myself to with complete trust. He gave his life for me - even if I were the only one standing on the earth, he would have still died for me alone. I can not leave the side of someone willing to do that for me. I am committed to my walk with Jesus.

Plan A. To walk the walk. The doors have opened. I'm under a spout that is pouring blessing upon blessing. God has perfectly put in front of me the people that need to be here. There will be more changes coming - don't be surprised. I'm thrilled and although I DO look forward to developing a relationship on this earth with a man who has the same devotion to God, it is not yet. It's an adventure. And you never know what's going to happen when God works miracles. But I'm listening!!

Love to you! ~Sandy

My Change of Heart

I think I've said this on several occassions during my "blogging" life, this will be no exception. Almost standing here in nakedness, fully vulnerable to the scrutiny of others - but this is my life and my eternal livelyhood depends on it. This change of heart I have experienced is valuable to me - it means my salvation. Tonight, I have opened my heart to Jesus. I have surrendered to him. I received him into my soul and feel so full of the spirit and his love it's overwhelming.

I have so much gratitude for the love and acceptance I have for this beautiful gift. A work in progress and today I can leave it with Jesus. God has choosen me and the feeling of approval despite any sin of mine has breathed new life into me. I finally feel free to be me. To be the woman that God created and do the things which he leads me to do. What a powerful thing to have - to serve God with such intense love. I've always had so much love in me to give. I've spent years and years controling who got a piece of that love only to find discontent. That love all bottled up and given in small doses is now overflowing.

I was losing the battle as a single mother controlling me, my son, our environment, what comes in, what goes out. Constantly manipulating my future, dwelling on a past of mistakes, living in envy of others. I do not do drugs. I do not drink. I don't swear (too often), but my addiction to self-pity, to manipulate others and control my life to feed my soul was destructive. There is no love is moving others away from their own salvation. God does not lead us to evil. I opened the door to my soul and gave my life to the man who shed the blood for me. Who paid the price for any sin I committed and will continue to committ. I am immperfect. I am a sinner. I relinquish myself to the Lord Jesus and prayerfully encircle him with such gratitude for his sacrifice for me. I now know what it feels like to be a child of God. To be choosen. To live in freedom.

May the blessings continue to pour upon those that I cross paths with. My life be the life that God granted me and the purpose he has for me. I open myself to listen with the purest of intentions to do good. I'm so happy.

A friend is someone you can.....

I'm just curious.... Who came up with the whole ideal that you date your friends. I remember when I was a teenager and what little I dated, we dated amongst our group of friends. It was more for group dating and building friendships than anything. Although I was infatuated with the boys I dated, I wasn't really looking at anyone of them that I dated as a potential mate. It was all in fun and experience.

When I "dated" my ex-husband, I didn't set out to find friends and date them. I set out to find a potential mate. Someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Criteria was that we became friends during the dating process and ultimately become each other's best friend - then marry. That's how the process exactly went. I had guy friends during that process and didn't want to "date" anyone of them - although they were good friends and we had fun times.

So, now as a single woman seeking that potential mate - this time for all time and eternity, I had a defining moment - I'm not interested in dating my friends. I want to date potential mates. One whom becomes my close friend and ulitmately my best friend - then at that point potentially marry.

What happens when you have a "friend" that you want to date because you realize they have many qualities you want in a mate. The boundaries change. It's almost backwards. I see profiles online of men that want to make friends first. I can understand the "polite" disclosure. Nobody wants to be rejected and if a woman is not a potentiall mate - it's easier to say - we can be just friends. Same goes for women. Why do we need disclosures? To spare feelings? If there is not chemistry - I'm thinking either of you will realize this and although a friendship may continue to some degree, the ability to move beyond that because you become better friends will not turn to dating.

My conclusion, I'm not looking to make more male friends. I have some great, really close friends whom I love, trust and enjoy being around. I want to find a potential mate who becomes my bestest friend of all time.

I am....

Blogging is the most difficult undertaking I have ever encountered. Especially when I am feeling quiet. A retreat to no where with no responsibilites, no one knocking on the door needing anything, a true peace and quiet. It doesn't happen and it dawned on me today that those retreats are not life. Life is beautiful and so are the people that are in it. I sat in Relief Society today watching the women whom I barley know. One can sit and make judgements about who they are, where they come from, what each woman represents in their family. It's inspiring. There are some strong women out there who endure daily happenings just as much as I. Everyone encounters their own set of challenges to work through. Spiritual, physical, financial. Yet we all have the same foundation and resources to get through it. I'm so grateful for the gospel that I know. For a Heavenly Father that pours blessing after blessing upon me even when I'm not "in-tune". For friends that care even when I'm not listening. Although I may pout from time to time that I feel alone in this big ole world with the burden of every single happening on my shoulders and often times without a break or someone that is there just for me to share my joys and tears with, it's this way because it's the plan. The Lord works mysteriously and I promise to be paitent.

I listen to my IPod while exericsing and one of the most motivating songs I listen to is called I Am. I am not perfect, but I am me. It goes....

"I Am"

I'm an angel, I'm a devil
I am sometimes in between
I'm as bad it can get
And good as it can be
Sometimes I'm a million colors
Sometimes I'm black and white
I am all extremes
Try figure me out you never can
There's so many things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm someone filled with self-belief
And haunted by self-doubt
I've got all the answers
I've got nothing figured out
I like to be by myself
I hate to be alone
I'm up and I am down
But that's part of the thrill
Part of the plan
Part of all of the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm a million contradictions
Sometimes I make no sense
Sometimes I'm perfect
Sometimes I'm a mess
Sometimes I'm not sure who I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am
Of all the things I am
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am
Of all the things I am

Full Circles

How ironic is it that almost to the day, one year later, I find myself having come full circle. In a positive way!

I was updating Dawson's website and reading back through this blog which I can't believe I've had over a year now. THAT went fast! I read my entry on May 1, 2009 and what a lost soul I was. I'm in my relationship class for the second go around. This 10 weeks I went back as a volunteer, however, as a participant equally as much. Reliving the class in a different mental state is inspiring. My heart aches for my new friends who have yet to go through the grieving process and who have so much pain from their divorces still to go through. It's heart breaking. It keeps me grounded. I've been there and it is no fun - for either party.

Tonight was our reading of "goodbye" letters. It was so reflective this past week as I prepared my letter to know I don't have the anguish to say goodbye too any longer, but more of a letter of Hello to the me that I know and love. The happy me that likes to smile and live life - not in constant turmoil and the burden of pleasing someone that is not able to be pleased. I'm so uplifted by how far I have come in just 5 months. I feel stronger and smarter and just that much more beautiful. It was said in our class tonight that you finally get to a point to allow yourself to be loved again. I'm happy.

I have great friends, a wonderful job, a son that makes me laugh and love life. What more could anyone want. I am writing this late at night and should be in bed, but after an eventful evening - and reflection, I've found my place. I'm so thankful for those that helped me to get here and the lessons learned. Although I will always peek back to the past and wonder "what if" - there are no regrets. I don't think I'd be in this very place, not only my physical location, but mentally without those experiences. For that I am grateful.

So, full circle. It's amazing 1 year later the work I've invested in myself, in my life, in Dawson's life and looking in the mirror at the results. Truly amazing.

I'm blessed.

March Madness

My little boy is growing up! Dawson turned 5 in March and I don't know where the time goes. He had is annual party at the town swimming pool. His friends and classmates were very giving. Star Wars was the theme and I didn't realize just how much star wars stuff is out there. Amazing! This fall he starts elementary school and he's getting pretty excited. Of course all he wants to do is ride the bus. We have "Round-Up" in a few weeks where the kids walk the halls and learn about what to expect. It'll be a great experience.

We are moved into our new home and enjoying every minute of it. We've had spouts of nice weather and spouts of not so nice weather. We are both very ready for the warmer season! Can't wait to plant a garden and get some flowers and bushes in.

Easter was quiet and non-eventful. The Easter Bunny was VERY generous this year and brought Dawson a spider-man bicycle. After a ride around the drive way, we discovered that the Easter Bunny under estimated Dawson's height. Thank goodness Walmart understands these things and will take back the Easter Bunny's gifts and exchange them for a bigger bike! That nice bunny!!

New Address - Check.

Well, it happened. Today the terms of a contract were decided and we have our new address. I am so excited, words can not describe. To finally have MY home. A home where each little bit is what I make it. A home for Dawson and I to build memories. A place to make our heaven on earth. A place of peace for us. I have lived in someone elses home for almost 9 years now. Now, I have something that is mine. The home is beautiful, and not too many get an opportunity like this. We get to move in over the next couple of weeks beginning this weekend. There is much to be done, but for now, a whole lifetime ahead to build it up. It's going to be an adjustment having so much room for us! I'm feeling very blessed.

My class has been my salvation. I have met a new group of friends that will be part of my life forever. I have learned so much through the past couple of months about myself, about the grieving process and about the weight of life I carry with me that does me no good. I have finally recognized the boundaries that have been set and accepted them. Now it's time to move forward and relish in what life has to offer us. I'm very ready.

It has been a busy couple of months. Between work and home my head is spinning, but all in a good way. Work has exploded beyone my wildest dreams. I'm truly blessed and working for every bit of it.

Dawson's birthday is in a few weeks. I can't believe he will be 5 years old. We have researched a few schools for kindergarden. He's excited and ready to begin his new adventures as well.

Life is good!
~Sandy

Here's to New Beginnings!

Well, the Christmas season is officially behind us! The Lane family joined us for Christmas this year making the trek all the way from Houston, TX to Idaho Falls. I did that drive once and that was enough, but I suppose having to purchase plane tickets for 7 people could entice me to drive again. :) They seemed to have had a great time. Dawson and I sure did. The visit was almost too short. Kids all seemed happy with their gifts. Dawson enjoyed his gifts from relatives in Buffalo as well as all the fun things the Lane's offered up. Because of Keeton, he's been enthralled with Star Wars. As I type this, he's watching the original Star Wars movie for the 5th time in 2 days.

As for me, this year will be a defining moment in time for me. I have struggled with moving back to Buffalo for quite some time and keep rethinking back to a discussion several months ago. In response to my news that I'd like us to move back, I was told it would make life difficult for others. My initial reaction, Dawson would benefit from being more accessible to family members and "deal with it". As I was discussing a potential move with an acquaintance of mine who really does not know the specifics, she said, why would you want to leave - you have just established some roots here. I thought about that statement. That was my reasoning for returning to Buffalo - I felt those were "our" roots. And my purpose for moving here was to find a place that we could establish a "home" where Dawson and I could build a life - independent of anyone wanting or rejecting our time. We have established that here. We have built a home. I have discovered that perhaps I might have been returning for the wrong reasons. Perhaps not.

Dawson starts kindergarten this year. Milestones all the way around. As we move into this new year - I still remain uncertain about our future address. But I do know the steps to take to determine the right decision. Being of good mind, good body and in a position to make the choice that best serves Dawson and I. For these things I will work on and the Lord will direct us as he see's fit.

Dawson and I made one pact today. If I lose the 50lbs that I want too by my 40th birthday in July - we will take a week and go to California. We will spend time as Disneyland, Sea World and the beach and whatever we want to do! I have never been more motivated to get this weight off than that.

I start a new class in a week called Divorce Recovery. It's a 10 week class and I'm ready to move on and put this divorce behind me. The guilt and sorrow is consuming my life and there is no possible chance of reconciling - I need to move on and love again and allow myself to be loved.

My work is another great adventure for 2010. I have developed a new division of our company to do Plan Production services for our region. It has been a small but lucrative start and once I'm able to jump in 100% - it will take off. We have some regional meetings late January and I'm looking forward to drumming up business and flying with this new opportunity. Good things ahead for me this year.

I think with those key areas will enhance our lives to allow us to make the choices that will develop the next chapter of this book. I'm ready!