The Grieving Process

Does one really complete the grieving process? I am trying so desperately to understand things, people, events and choices so that I can be a better person. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past few months and feel dragged down by my past. I want to overcome this loneliness and be able to radiate a real confidence. Not the fake one I've had on for so long.

The world as I knew it was crushed when my father died. To think nothing worse could happen and then to have your mother die one short month later. My heart would sink to hear someone tell me this story of their life - so why do I feel such a need to emerge out of this some great superwoman appearing to not have been affected by it all in such a deep way. I'm crushed. And I'm not exactly sure how to move through it without this constant feeling of deprivation. I feel as though I have no guidance and it contributes to my "lost soul" syndrome. I have some great friends who care and would listen to me talk all day if I asked them too. But where are those arms that you can fall into and feel safe with your emotions? I have missed that for years. It's my weakest point. I can understand how people die from a broken heart.

I can't help but think about my ex-mother in law and her sitting at the kitchen table scolding Dave - "You are going to be an old lonely man if you don't change your ways". How ironic is it that Dave is not the lonley one. He's managed to find his place, find his happiness, and move into a better more fulfilling place. I know it wasn't easy for him. Why can't I find that? What is holding me back? Finding out that your ex-husband is happily involved in a relationship with a woman who is the antithesis of me, starts this grieving process all over again. Three years later.

I've already yelled at my father for hiring the attorney. I didn't want an attorney. I've already yelled at my mom for not putting her foot down and telling me divorce is not an answer till all options have been explored. She was the one that taught me to never give up! I'm angry and I can easily try to blame others, but it was my doing. I am the one responsible for these actions. Despite my losses. Despite losing a husband through Divorce, a wonderful step-son in that process, my parents through death, losing myself in my identity - I cling to the spirit that lives within me that sought to do the right thing. Dave was obviously as unhappy - it had been months since we'd even kissed like a couple should kiss. When someone tells you years later that they will always love you - is that really true. Because if love was iminent and it was that strong then why would you let someone go. I was not in a place to fight. I had no strength left to think. I had a numbness that moved me through time without logic and attention. I admit I was in pieces and I didn't have a grip. I needed strong, firm arms to tell me it would be all right somehow. I needed soft lips on my cheek to seep into my body and feel that the only love I had known would not be gone too. I tried in my own way to be strong. Is there some solace in knowing you did the best you could with what you could at the time.

The world doesn't seem to stop even when the hearts of some do. My heart still beats. Through all the pain, turmoil and loss - it's my turn to forgive myself and find those arms that look forward to embracing me no matter how weak or strong my moment may be. I do believe in Eternity. Families are forever.