Dreams really do come true!

Love is a peculiar feeling. It can be easily misunderstood. I’ve always had an image in my mind of the type of man I’d marry and somehow have always gone against the grain in those choices. Not necessarily bad choices, but misguided. The past creates us. I love the place to where my past has brought me. I also LOVE new socks. I love cheesecake and chocolate; and diet coke. I love the feeling of accomplishment after I put in a good run. I love it when I make someone happy. I love when a meal I make turns out delicious. I love my job. I love getting snail mail that’s not a bill. I love sending thank you cards. I love going to church. I love being a mom. This list could go on for pages. What I wanted most in life was to have my own little family and love them and take care of them. I’ve always felt my purpose in life was to be a great wife and mother. I was raised in a family unit I wouldn’t change for anything. True family time. True love. True protection. True life events that always involved our family. I wanted that of my own and Heavenly Father has answered my prayers. Early summer of 2010 as fate would have it, I met a boy on LDSPlanet.com. He lived in Salt Lake City, UT and his name was David. Strike one - his name was David. It shouldn't matter, but it did. Our first date, he offered to drive up to Idaho Falls to see me. 10 points for effort! So, if I can confess, I was excited to go out on a date, but I really had other things going on in my life that I wasn’t focused on finding that one man. I had a group of friends I was elated with, grounded in my life and so happy. David showed up. Tall, blond, and beautiful blue eyes. My dream, right? Although we had talked and chatted online for a little bit before he came, he appeared to be shy and quiet. Not so my dream - Strike 2. Our first date was dinner and a movie. I couldn’t tell you what movie we saw. We have tried to remember, but can’t. I think I was just thrilled to be out on a date. He opened the car door, paid for everything, kept the conversation going – the points were racking up in his favor! I don’t remember many details about our date, except for three distinctive things. First, he was a complete gentleman. Second, he was VERY nice and thirdly, at the end of our date, he asked permission to kiss me goodnight. Nobody asks permission! And for the record, David is NOT shy and quiet! The following few weeks, David drove to Idaho Falls often. We began building a friendship that was fun and very comfortable. As time continued, I couldn’t tell you what changed exactly, but I was distracted with pursuing a different direction in life that would take me out of Idaho Falls to NY. In David’s supportive way as a true friend, he encouraged me to follow what I thought was right. Our friendship continued sporadically over the next year. I’d check into his facebook on occasion to check in – and nothing. During our year and a half hiatus, life distractions continued to take me from where my heart was. I missed the West. I missed the gospel. I missed my friends. I was in a place of settlement and living day to day with no real direction. Complacency. Not full of life, but not unhappy. Simply living - and learning to accept "the cards I was given". I can remember the day. Sister Brown and Sister Lee showed up. It was the beginning of a whole new life. They breathed the gospel back into our lives. Reluctance and hesitation were short lived. They reminded me what I wanted and missed. As the light grew brighter and my life began to unfold into what I had dreamed about – it all started to come together. Dawson was receiving the discussions to prepare for turning 8 and I was mending a scared past few years. Looking forward, it was at that time; ironically, that I was planning a visit to Idaho. The agenda was packed, but top on the list was a date with David. It would be holiday season at Temple Square and I was dying to go. The day before I left on my trip, I had a small eye surgery. It left me with a black eye. I was mortified. I hadn’t seen David in so long and here I was with a bold black eye. I packed tubes of concealer. It didn’t work. And David didn’t give it much thought. We picked up as though we hadn’t been apart. I had the time of my life. After a great few hours, which I didn’t want to end, he took me back to my hotel and kissed me goodnight. It was only 10:00pm! I sat in my hotel room wondering why after a grand date, I was dropped off at 10:00pm! Confession #2 - I was so confused and disappointed! I made a long list of assumptions and moved on to my Idaho visit as though – it was a great night and just wasn’t ment to be anything more. Several months passed and David and I stayed in contact only every so often. We continued our search for eternal mates, but not with each other. Then, in May of 2013, in a game of Words With Friends, it all happened. We talked and talked and talked and talked. I couldn’t tell you exactly how this friendship of ours exploded into love, but it did! Our lives, parallel for years finally merged on a path that Heavenly Father paved way before we even gave it thought. Three months later, we are together, engaged and preparing for our wedding on November 2nd, 2013. How does this happen? Timing. Heavenly Father’s timing – not ours. I am SO grateful we were both in a place where our ears and hearts were listening to the spirit that spoke loudly! It’s the greatest gift ever to have someone placed in your life for a reason. David is the most generous person I know. He knows how to love like no other. He shares the same love for our family that I do. He was truly meant for me. Little did I know, the night of that first date in Idaho Falls, while standing at my garage door, floored someone asked my permission for a kiss goodnight – that it would be the first of an eternity of kisses. That’s my love story that has no ending….. The moral of this story – there is someone meant for you when it’s your time. No matter if you are 28, 48 or 78. Heavenly Father has a plan and he’s sticking to it! You can change it, divert from it or mess it up all you want – but when he knows you are ready – he will bless you. I can testify to that!!

In the Clouds

Ironically, I am literally typing this from the clouds. What better place! As I fly home from a grand weekend spent with some of my closest friends with some real heart to hearts, I was reminded of a few things. Isn't it interesting how when we feel uncertain we go to what we know? The people I spent this weekend with are my home. Not the place per se, but the people. One of my greatest fears in life is to not feel protected by someone who is there for me. Namely, a spouse in my case, but I don't have that someone so I seek my dearest friends for that protection. It wasn't until 3am this morning that one of my dearest friends who seems to know my heart in such a way I will never know, said "the Bible tells us that you can't find yourself till you lose yourself". It's so true. I am not that lost, but have yet to put 100% full faith in The Lord. I have no idea how to do that. I suppose I'm equally "unfound" as many of us continually searching. So, I sit in the clouds and dream about my life. Who I want to be. What I want to be. Where I want to be. Happily, I am who I want to be. I'm a very giving, loving, honest, loyal person and although I struggle with my outward appearance and improvements to where I feel my best, my work can always get better, my motherhood skills can always be dialed in, but my heart - the sole foundation of a person is in the very spot I want it. What I want to be is a work in progress. People in and out of our lives mold and shape that betterment of what we become. The opportunities we take advantage of, the experiences we grow in and the consequences of day to day decisions. I look forward to that ongoing process. Where I want to be will never be enough - despite having enough. Despite being content in my own skin, my successes in my work and the rewards of parenting, I will always strive for more. I never will give up on seeking to achieve the goals and doing my part to contribute to the success of those important to me. Call me a dreamer for reaching beyond the norm and knowing without a doubt what it is I want. You. Our kids. A cute little house, living the dream. Because dreams happen in the midst of life ups and downs, good days and bad, certainty and uncertainty, blessed days and sad days, mad times and happy times. And although dreams take time to work towards, adjust, and ultimately achieve it won't happen today or even tomorrow, maybe not even next year - but it will come true. That's what is so great about flying in the clouds - when you are up here looking at the whole view - you can see everything!

Do-Over's

First, I'm very disappointed in myself that my last post was almost a year ago! Shame on me! Although an eventful year - it should not go without blogging. With that said, I'm almost glad I have not blogged about the last year. It's had it's ups and downs. Finishing on a downer - but I saw the quote just two days ago. When things seem to be falling apart it's just God putting the pieces back the way he wants it.So, the burden is off. He wins! I did it my way and now it's his turn. Thank goodness! Why do we always think we can do it better than the all mighty? Like little children that disobey their parents and test the waters of their independence. I don't want to be independent from the Lord. Obviously, I have to keep reminding myself of that.Without writing about the past year - it would just depress me (Other than my fantastic week long vacation with Holly & Rachel in May) - I'm going to tell you about the future.That is my point! It's blank and unsure and scary and unplanned and not up to me. I find myself again in a lost place of the unknown. Feeling like there is no more home. Just living life till something happens, takes us in and surrounds us with the walls that protect and cherish our existence. Another test of faith for sure.On a more positive note - I have not shared with many of you that I have been diligently working my butt off in a 90 day Challenge with my good friend Brigitte Lunsford in Idaho Falls. She is my beach body coach. I'm often times embarrassed to even say that because y'all know I am NO beach body and far from it. And to even want a fit, athletic body seems almost impossible. BUT, I will say that after 2 weeks of my Shakeology shakes (which are SO yummy - and nobody is paying me to say that!) and my workouts have slowly begun to re-frame my attitude AND body. The scale is moving at a snails pace - sometimes even in the wrong direction. But my clothes are starting to not fit right and I feel tighter and tighter by the day. I do feel good. I'm lacking some energy which I need to improve with my protein intake due to my gastric bypass surgery and less calories but I have made strides in some very deep embedded changes that have been part of my life since I was a kid. My food choices, especially fast food has slowed drastically. Can you even believe that last week I went through drive-thru almost out of habit for breakfast because I was late and unprepared only to throw it in the garbage at the end of the drive thru!!! Who does that! I would have given it to a homeless person, but there are none in our area. I've filled my diet with lots of fruits and vegetables, workout schedule that I prioritize and have to self-talk myself constantly! Seriously, even half hour ago I went looking for a pre-dinner snack and ended with a few bites of pinto beans. Weird I know - but works. Tomorrow is grocery day. :)Besides all of that, work has been keeping me going full speed. I have never been so busy in all my life. I love it.Dawson has also been busy this summer with summer school and play days at KidsWork. I lost count of the field trips to Darien Lake 6 flags. He even went camping the other night with the kids. He's doing a great job and working hard. He's in two reading summer classes and a math tutor. Although he will be repeating first grade again - he'll be starting at a new school as well. A fresh start for him too. We are learning together in our own ways that often times the biggest disappointment turns to be the greatest stepping stone to greatness. Thank you so much to all those that stick with us. We need uour friendships, love our family and are so grateful for the blessings that we have daily being together. God Bless.~Sandy

Schedule? What schedule?

"Therefore will the Lord wait, that He may be gracious unto you, and therefore will He be exalted, that He may have mercy upon you; for the Lord is a God of judgment; blessed are all they that wait for Him."-- Isa 30:18.

How many times have we heard, it's the timing of the Lord not our timing that blessings fall upon us. Yet, it's true, we take the good with the bad. Tribulations never happen on our timing, unfortunately.

But is it unfortunate? In hindsight, I can think of countless moments of despair where I have had to call upon the Lord for his ease of my suffering. It is because I have called upon him that I am where I am today. What a tremendously great gift to have - the faith to know we will prevail with his Grace. I'm so blessed. I sit and ponder the very spot I'm in. A peaceful, happy spot despite everything not being perfect; or even how I might have it. But its the spot that was made for me.

These last few months, I have had to redefine my place again. In a different world, in a different circumstance, with different people. I will admit. It has not been an easy challenge. None the less, it was a challenge I asked for. I have asked the Lord so many times to have our family reunite and be one again. Almost since 2006 when I made the decision to divorce. It just never felt right to be apart, but we learn to cope and move forward. As I look back at the many lessons that have occurred in my life and the obstacles that I have had to overcome it was the very path that lead me back to this very spot. How neat is that?!?

So, as the summer comes to a close. I have been able to spend quality time with Dawson while continuing my own business from home, re-ignite a relationship with my ex-husband whom is the love of my life, and learn to share a kitchen with a mother-in-law who would do anything in the world for me and her grandson.

The Lord does have his own timing. I will continue to pursue my education in the art of patience, however, without perfecting it. Because I need the Lord and if life were perfect and not broken I would not call upon Him as often as I do. I like broken. It gives purpose.

2278.7

The number of miles from Idaho Falls to Clarence. We made it. We have been here a week and although our trip was fairly uneventful a car ride gives you some great moments to think. Here I am on this new adventure. Son in tow - who is estatic to be part of his father and brother's life again on a daily basis. Me, hesitant, but committed to this chosen path. I truly believe this is where the Lord wants me. I'm not really sure why yet. He wants me here for some reason - which I will work my darndest to try and figure out. What a wasted opportunity if you go through the pain, agony and and effort to move yourself to be in the Lord's work and then drop the ball just before the reward of listening to him. I'm determined to figure it all out - even if it takes months or years. Rewards with the Lord are definitely worth every ounce of effort. It's the test of patience that is the most difficult. I love my life. I love the new challenges coming my way and I love the Lord that he takes such great care of me and our family.
What's next? My inner GPS is currently saying "recalculating". Time to reposition my route and see where God takes me now. Buckle up!

Stand still.

The things that evoke the deeper meaning of my life seem to come on Sunday's when things have quieted, the day is at a managable pace and greatest of all - hearing the word of God speak directly to me. I reflected today on our lesson of reading Matthew 20:29-34. Jesus healing of the 2 blind men. What a magnificent testimony that the Lord lives.

I will never ever forget the moment when I felt like those desperate blind men seeking the mercy of God. The outloud cries and pleas for Jesus to step in and heal a broken heart. And he does just that. He continually asks us what we need. Confess it from your mouth in a voice of unwaivering desperation. He will stop and hear hear you. I am indebted to Him for stepping in and answering my prayers.

I have continued my Love Dare readings. I love this book! Not only to guide me through the Lord and his word to be a partner in a marriage, but also in being a Godly woman as an individual. Each day has context to the person I want to be and portray.

The "dare" for the week was to show patience by saying nothing negative to your spouse. In my case, Dave. It is better to hold your tongue that to say something you'll regret. Normally, I would think of this during a fight or argument, but had to step back. Poor Dave. I am ALWAYS stepping forth with my opinion and unsolicited advice. He has taken my 2 cents with appreciation and grace. I'm a woman who always has something to say! I bit my tongue since reading these passages and have been selective about the things I've offered up. It was a challenge. Sometimes you want to defend yourself. Other times offer a different perspective. And lastly, sometimes I feel I need to contribute something and that is relating it to a personal experience and feeling which turns into "my way of doing things".

None the less, I have found that I will struggle with this. It has made me focus on listening and decidely not having a response is okay. Ultimately, to be like Christ - just stop and listen. Leaving the rest to the Master healer.

With every changing day.....

It has been a month since I've written. I have had a dramatic change in roles at work, Dawson's 6th Birthday, A week in Texas visiting my sister Jody and her sweet family and finally home to have Dawson's actual birthday party. Eventful month.

With every event there seemed to be a vivid change that occured. Work reminded me of my great desire to be a business owner. Over the past year I diligently worked to build a clientele that I've very much enjoyed working with. When you accept certain responsibilities, with that often times comes removal of my own agenda and taking on the agenda of a group or other individual. I had to surrender to putting my agenda to the side and I have to admit, it didn't feel good. I realized for the first time that I was successful at something I've been fearful of pursing 100% on my own. An enlightening a'ha moment that I definitely will explore.

On an at home note, Dawson turned 6 years old. My precious boy is growing up. With his growing smarts, comes smart alecness. Definitely personality traits begin to really shine through. I have my hands full, but continue to look forward to watching him grow, learn and develop.

We had our trip to Texas. Jody and Brent treated Dawson and I to travel down to Houston where we were able to see all the kids - the newest member, baby Taylor. We LOVED our time there and had a wonderful visit.

When we returned, we had Dawson's birthday party with his friends. We sported a bowling event at PineCrest Bowling and had a great great time. They were wonderful hosts!! Dawson enjoyed his party. Another successful year checked off.

Through the month, everyday that past, I felt so entirely blessed. I'm so lucky to have the things I have, a son that I love with such a deep love, work that I look forward to doing, and a life rich full of special blessings. Dave and I have been able to talk through more and more of our relationship and begin to formulate the steps we need to move in a positive direction.

I was taken by a song I heard recently called Blessings, by Laura Story. it goes:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

(Chorus)
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
As long as we have faith to believe

Chorus

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Chorus

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

It reminded me that the Lord has a plan and unless we are listening and paying attention to every detail, it will take more tears, more sleepless nights, more trials to follow his plan. We have to seek him always. And when we seek him, he talks to us.

Love my life, love the people in it. So greatful for every blessing I have.

~Sandy

Do you ever look at someone with your mouth wide open in awe and think, They are so brilliant! Everything they speak - is said with sincerity, perfect tone, a message that is understood. They can point you in the right direction - because they just know. Yet, they can stand in such humility and tell you story after story of how they screwed their life up over and over, just like me.

It's no secret that I have my struggles - just like anyone else. I may be more vocal about mine because I treasure the thoughts, advice and expertise of others that seem to guide my little world - I get to control the outcome through my faith in God, but the perspective is priceless. Combined, sometimes I've succeeded, sometimes I've failed - but I've made it through over and over.

Church has been simply awesome the past few weeks. Ironically going through my Dare book and then reading the messages from The Book of Matthew have been very enlightening. I have so much enjoyed getting to know THE word. Over the past couple of weeks, the message has been about forgiveness. Today, Divorce. Next week on being single. I can't help but feel intense messages coming my way. Did you know Divorce was rampant in Jesus's day? I do wonder if they went through the turmoil we do today when Divorce happens. I will never go through that again. It's simply not an option unless a life is at stake.

I did realize today though, this, that the relationship cycle I am in is common. I'm divorced because I felt there was someone out there that would understand me better. Have a greater desire to meet my needs. Love me more. Have more of the same interests as me. Appreciate who I was and embrace my free spirit. Someone who thought I was the world. So, there comes a time when you just try to move on. Find THAT someone. The unfortunate thing is, he's not out there. I made a committment to a marriage and I didn't make it work. Learning from that experience over the years of my divorce, I find myself searching for that relationship to make work. A man who loves the Lord as much as I do. Besides the normal things you find a mate to enjoy life with, I've discovered my greatest need is a strong believer. I want to be the best mate I can be. I want him to want to be the best in the Lord's walk he can be. I think a truly great marriage depends on that. I love that saying, when you seek Him, you will find me.

So... that brings us to my week of The Dare. Week 2. The points that had the greatest persepctive to me:

Day 8 - Love is best when God is first! How ironic that Matthew 22:37 was quoted. You Shall love the Lord your God with all your heart.

Day 9 - As you abide in Christ's love, the love you have for your spouse will increase in the overflow.

Day 10 - Ultimately, how you love and respect your mate reveals every day the sincerity of your love and respect for God.

Day 11 - Walking with God is better than a thousand marriage books or counseling sessions.

Day 12 - Loneliness should be absent. Love builds bridges between lonely hearts to make you close companions for life.

Day 13 - Love brings completeness.

Day 14 - Love extends help. God intended for you to assist your spouse as a primary purpose in your marriage. It even meets a need in you to know that you are needed.

On to another week! :) Happy Valentine's Day to those who inspire me!

Obstacles

Well, I feel like a complete loser! Not really, but sad and disappointed. Although this is not the first obstacle I've hit in ANY relationship I've had or this one for that matter, this is an obstacle that is out of my realm. Dave has not spoken to me for a week and our last conversation was his struggles to forgive me for abandoning him when I left our marriage. I don't know what it feels like to be abandoned. I have been dumped in relationships - many times! But abandonment was not what I felt. The Lord has always carried me through and I've always had a good support network of friends and family. I do not know what he's going through - but for now, released from the pressures of being a mate is one of them. With me anyway. We have a lot of baggage. I've made a lot of mistakes. I've been forgiven by our gracious God over and over again. More times than I really care to recount. It is not in my list of available options not to forgive those who have sinned against me. Who am I to cast grudery, resentment and hatred when I myself have been washed of my sins over again. I'm so sorry he's going through all of this. I'm sorry that it feels as though I mimized my transgressions because I'm able to forgive and move past the slavery that those hurts can hold over you when you can't fully give them to the Lord. I asked him to forgive me more than once. Matthew 18:15-35 reminds us that when Peter tried to negotiate with the Lord for the number of times you can forgive a sinner - he thought 7. Jesus corrected him saying.... as many times as it takes. I do not exect our relationship to return to it's original package. Sometimes, you wish it could - at the point in time when things were best. But in a relationship committment, I do exect him to take time and energy to get to know me, not be my record keeper of wrongs.

The future holds a great deal of optimism, love and a Godly man for me. It also holds more sin, heartache and trials. Who knows what will happen. I will always work towards having my family repaired and a reconciliation is ALWAYS an option. For now, it's me, growing, working with the Lord on my walk in life and living for HIM.

~Sandy

Week 1 - Being rooted and grounded in Love (Ephesians 3:17)

Nothing comes easily! I'm a hard worker and enjoy a challenge, but sheeezzz. I may be asking for too much when I started this committment. Especially for a year! The summary of my first week is if I can answer the question, do I know what love is? I prayerfully studied various scriptures this week seeking the books suggestion "Lord, teach me what real love is and make me a loving person."

What I came away with is - it's all perspective. I believe myself to be a loving person. Even before reading. But I have offended. I thought I knew what love was, but I have broken the hearts of others. So, in my search to understand what love is and ask for His hand to make me a loving person, I realized this will always be a work in progress.

Sometimes, I don't feel like being a loving person, but must continue to love. I know how to love, but can I love my enemies and those who have transgressed against me?

The greatest love I have known is from the sacrifice of Jesus - for me. On an earthly level, my mother who loved me unconditionally, without fail, in all things.

I reflected on those two loves that I know, without any doubt. That of Jesus and of my mother. The common denominator and that in which the Lord teaches us is to be unselfish. True love comes when we can remove personal agenda and be genuine in our efforts for another.

What a difficult thing to do in this world of survival. Especially as a single person with no earthly accountability - it's do or die in most cases. To be single and in a relationship is challenging. When you are married there is almost a sense of obligation to your spouse. A must compromise. When single, that is erased. I find it very difficult to enter into a relationship with so many issues and challenges from the get go. I yearn to be selfless. Doesn't it feel important to have a mate who feels the same? Are the boundaries lost when you are not married and trying to be a selfless partner? Giving your all when walls are up and you stand rejected? Is it unfair to expect to be loved in return when there is only one person on the battleground.

As we work our way through "this relationship" it's going to take sacrifice beyond measure. I'm human and I question intent - especially when I'm shut out of the process. He is not me and I not him. Our perspectives and expectation vary alot. He lacks vision to my perspective and I lack vision to his. Can perspective be learned and accepted, or even compromised?

So, tell me this. Love is being selfless. Why does trying to create the loving environment for my spouse to grow in feel selfish? Is it more important to find a mate who has little disagreance with my idea of "loving environment" or more important to find the person and create the environment that they feel loved in?

The phrases that I felt connected to as I read the first 7 days are:
Day 1 - Loving God and others is what life is really about. Absence of love leaves a devastating void. Even when you are together.

Day 2 - For Christ's love compels us (2 Corinthians 5:14) When love invades your heart, you are empowered to endure deeper pain, willingly pay a greater cost and run risks to your repuation for the sake of another.

Day 3 -When marriages crumble, couples often claim that it was due to their irreconcilable differences. But genuine love is a master at reconciliation.

Day 4 - Love ultimately fulfills every law of God. Rather than trying to manufacture right actions and attitudes, let love become your first response and your default position.

Day 5 - Jesus was the most loving man ever to walk the earth and remains the perfect example of manhood.

Day 6 - Love, is your primary responsibility in marrigage. No one on Earth is more strategically positioned, commanded, and called on to love your mate than you are.

Day 7 - When you provide safe, loving soil for your spouse to grow in, they will be more likely to flourish with confidence, knowing they are valued and secure.

The challenge continues. I will continue to pray to be that loving person in all ways and be open to the Lord's ways of teaching me what real love is. I did not expect it to be easy. It takes 2. Me and the Lord.

A New Year! New Adventures! A New Challenge!

I purchased a new book this week. The Love Dare for Couples.

After the holidays and reflecting on my life (past, present and future) - I realized my greatest goal is to be the best for my family. That's where I experience my greatest happiness. A compliment on Dawson that reflects on my teachings. A comfortableness from Isaac that speaks how much he enjoys having us around. A smile from Dave that says "I'm so glad you are here!" Those simple things are what brings me joy.

I want to be such a great mate, mother, partner, friend. I want to be that Godly woman who walks with a glow that invites a specialness just to be around. I want to emit the piece of me that shows an unconditional love. No expectation of anything in return.

So... in search to be that person I love being, I'm starting with Dave. One of my greatest priorities to be the best I can to him. There are a ton of ways to accomplish that, but for now, I'm starting with The Love Dare for Couples - A Year of Devotionals.

This is for me. Heres to this new chapter, new year and a chance to look back 365 days from now having brought the inside of myself outward.

Stay tuned. Tomorrow is Day 1!

Our last Christmas...

It was our last Christmas to ever be spent apart. Dawson and I had a wonderful visit in NY for our "holiday" celebration. Santa was good to both of us. I got the love of my life and Dawson got a wii. It appears everyone got what they wanted. Better than a wii, I got to relive the best times of my life for a week. Reminiscing about the times we laughed, bonded and shared. For a few days, just time to love and be loved. If I never got another week like Christmas, the gift of Christmas 2010 will always be one of my most cherrished.

The house that built me

I heard this song tonight. The house that built me, by Miranda Lambert. Beautiful beautiful song. I'v spoken many times about seeking "home". As, I have just moved again, I look back at my life and realized that I have had many homes. Some longer than others. Some temporary. Some more permenant. The home in Las Cruces is what I would call home because it probably has the greatest memories of my "growing up" years.

The first home I can remember is 325 Dutton Dr. It has a ring to it and always will. Being up here in Idaho, I've driven by it on several occassions. That two story house on the end of the street looks so different than when I was a girl. The street has grown and although there are small details that remind me of that place, it has changed in the last 30 years. Then there was the home (apartment) that Jody and I shared for a time in Arizona. What memories that place had. The night I drove into town to go to my new home, my parents decided to divorce. Of course they never did, but it was a night I will never forget. Then that old trailer home in Clarence, NY. Our beautiful, quiet, first married home. I remember coming back from our honeymoon in sandals and it had snowed. Walking up the driveway with frozen feet. So glad to be home. Then the yellow house on McKinley. With the huge Pine tree I dreamed of putting Christmas lights on. The tree is gone. The memory remains.

But the home, the home that really built me was more than just temporary. The home where my lilac tree lives. The home where the leaves fall in abundance, the apple trees produce, the turkeys venture through, the deer lurk, the woodchuck in his wood pile. The home with so many memories. A home where lives started and ended. The home where angels watch over. Children have grown into adults. Rooms have been shifted, painted, reorganized. Pictures exchanged, relocated, renewed and sometimes replaced.

That home molded me. The home at one time I couldn't wait to leave, I yearn to return. The home that built the heart and soul of a family I love. They say, a home is where the heart is. That is true. I've had many homes and it is what you make of it during the time those walls protect. But sometimes, it's the home that makes you. Life between the walls, that even in silence you can hear the memories.

I love that home. I love that Dawson will always, I mean always, have that home to build upon. It's a foundation that will never falter. Its a bit of heaven on earth. Lord, thank you for that home.

I am telling you......

The Lord works!! His will reigns. When it's HIS timing, miracles happen. I promise you this. I bore witness to this today.

~Sandy

"In a Relationship" - So the status says.....

I couldn't have asked for a better lead in to what I want to say than taking from Glen Beck's words today.... the leaves are changing. As I evolve and change as a woman, mother, sister, aunt, friend, co-worker; what is really changing is the relationship that I hold myself to the highest esteem - a Daughter of God.

When you make the decision to "get right with God" it involves some serious self-reflection. I have spent the past several months going through the process of who I am, what my purpose is and how does that lay upon my eternal map the Lord has for me. What I learned was amazing. I don't think I could even accurately reflect in writing the flood of knowledge that my heart, mind and soul has witnesses in the past weeks. Where it landed me - living Plan A!

God has a plan for all of us. From start to finish. There is no Plan B. Plan C. Plan D. There is only one plan for each of us - Plan A. I'm living it. I'm living what God has called of me. I sat in Pastor Rick's Bible Teaching last night and it were as though it were only he and I amongst an entire congregation of listeners. He spoke many things that resonated with me, but as he taught from the Book of Jude and explained the bondservant (Jude 1:1), consider me one. I am here to serve the Lord because I want to be. Because I have the opportunity to be in God's Love. It's an amazing transformation to accept Jesus into your heart and allow him to work miracles in, on and around you. What a blessing to be in this time.

So... yes, I am in a new relationship with my Lord Jesus. He is my Savior and the one that I can wholly submit myself to with complete trust. He gave his life for me - even if I were the only one standing on the earth, he would have still died for me alone. I can not leave the side of someone willing to do that for me. I am committed to my walk with Jesus.

Plan A. To walk the walk. The doors have opened. I'm under a spout that is pouring blessing upon blessing. God has perfectly put in front of me the people that need to be here. There will be more changes coming - don't be surprised. I'm thrilled and although I DO look forward to developing a relationship on this earth with a man who has the same devotion to God, it is not yet. It's an adventure. And you never know what's going to happen when God works miracles. But I'm listening!!

Love to you! ~Sandy

My Change of Heart

I think I've said this on several occassions during my "blogging" life, this will be no exception. Almost standing here in nakedness, fully vulnerable to the scrutiny of others - but this is my life and my eternal livelyhood depends on it. This change of heart I have experienced is valuable to me - it means my salvation. Tonight, I have opened my heart to Jesus. I have surrendered to him. I received him into my soul and feel so full of the spirit and his love it's overwhelming.

I have so much gratitude for the love and acceptance I have for this beautiful gift. A work in progress and today I can leave it with Jesus. God has choosen me and the feeling of approval despite any sin of mine has breathed new life into me. I finally feel free to be me. To be the woman that God created and do the things which he leads me to do. What a powerful thing to have - to serve God with such intense love. I've always had so much love in me to give. I've spent years and years controling who got a piece of that love only to find discontent. That love all bottled up and given in small doses is now overflowing.

I was losing the battle as a single mother controlling me, my son, our environment, what comes in, what goes out. Constantly manipulating my future, dwelling on a past of mistakes, living in envy of others. I do not do drugs. I do not drink. I don't swear (too often), but my addiction to self-pity, to manipulate others and control my life to feed my soul was destructive. There is no love is moving others away from their own salvation. God does not lead us to evil. I opened the door to my soul and gave my life to the man who shed the blood for me. Who paid the price for any sin I committed and will continue to committ. I am immperfect. I am a sinner. I relinquish myself to the Lord Jesus and prayerfully encircle him with such gratitude for his sacrifice for me. I now know what it feels like to be a child of God. To be choosen. To live in freedom.

May the blessings continue to pour upon those that I cross paths with. My life be the life that God granted me and the purpose he has for me. I open myself to listen with the purest of intentions to do good. I'm so happy.

A friend is someone you can.....

I'm just curious.... Who came up with the whole ideal that you date your friends. I remember when I was a teenager and what little I dated, we dated amongst our group of friends. It was more for group dating and building friendships than anything. Although I was infatuated with the boys I dated, I wasn't really looking at anyone of them that I dated as a potential mate. It was all in fun and experience.

When I "dated" my ex-husband, I didn't set out to find friends and date them. I set out to find a potential mate. Someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Criteria was that we became friends during the dating process and ultimately become each other's best friend - then marry. That's how the process exactly went. I had guy friends during that process and didn't want to "date" anyone of them - although they were good friends and we had fun times.

So, now as a single woman seeking that potential mate - this time for all time and eternity, I had a defining moment - I'm not interested in dating my friends. I want to date potential mates. One whom becomes my close friend and ulitmately my best friend - then at that point potentially marry.

What happens when you have a "friend" that you want to date because you realize they have many qualities you want in a mate. The boundaries change. It's almost backwards. I see profiles online of men that want to make friends first. I can understand the "polite" disclosure. Nobody wants to be rejected and if a woman is not a potentiall mate - it's easier to say - we can be just friends. Same goes for women. Why do we need disclosures? To spare feelings? If there is not chemistry - I'm thinking either of you will realize this and although a friendship may continue to some degree, the ability to move beyond that because you become better friends will not turn to dating.

My conclusion, I'm not looking to make more male friends. I have some great, really close friends whom I love, trust and enjoy being around. I want to find a potential mate who becomes my bestest friend of all time.

I am....

Blogging is the most difficult undertaking I have ever encountered. Especially when I am feeling quiet. A retreat to no where with no responsibilites, no one knocking on the door needing anything, a true peace and quiet. It doesn't happen and it dawned on me today that those retreats are not life. Life is beautiful and so are the people that are in it. I sat in Relief Society today watching the women whom I barley know. One can sit and make judgements about who they are, where they come from, what each woman represents in their family. It's inspiring. There are some strong women out there who endure daily happenings just as much as I. Everyone encounters their own set of challenges to work through. Spiritual, physical, financial. Yet we all have the same foundation and resources to get through it. I'm so grateful for the gospel that I know. For a Heavenly Father that pours blessing after blessing upon me even when I'm not "in-tune". For friends that care even when I'm not listening. Although I may pout from time to time that I feel alone in this big ole world with the burden of every single happening on my shoulders and often times without a break or someone that is there just for me to share my joys and tears with, it's this way because it's the plan. The Lord works mysteriously and I promise to be paitent.

I listen to my IPod while exericsing and one of the most motivating songs I listen to is called I Am. I am not perfect, but I am me. It goes....

"I Am"

I'm an angel, I'm a devil
I am sometimes in between
I'm as bad it can get
And good as it can be
Sometimes I'm a million colors
Sometimes I'm black and white
I am all extremes
Try figure me out you never can
There's so many things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm someone filled with self-belief
And haunted by self-doubt
I've got all the answers
I've got nothing figured out
I like to be by myself
I hate to be alone
I'm up and I am down
But that's part of the thrill
Part of the plan
Part of all of the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm a million contradictions
Sometimes I make no sense
Sometimes I'm perfect
Sometimes I'm a mess
Sometimes I'm not sure who I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am
Of all the things I am
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am
Of all the things I am

Full Circles

How ironic is it that almost to the day, one year later, I find myself having come full circle. In a positive way!

I was updating Dawson's website and reading back through this blog which I can't believe I've had over a year now. THAT went fast! I read my entry on May 1, 2009 and what a lost soul I was. I'm in my relationship class for the second go around. This 10 weeks I went back as a volunteer, however, as a participant equally as much. Reliving the class in a different mental state is inspiring. My heart aches for my new friends who have yet to go through the grieving process and who have so much pain from their divorces still to go through. It's heart breaking. It keeps me grounded. I've been there and it is no fun - for either party.

Tonight was our reading of "goodbye" letters. It was so reflective this past week as I prepared my letter to know I don't have the anguish to say goodbye too any longer, but more of a letter of Hello to the me that I know and love. The happy me that likes to smile and live life - not in constant turmoil and the burden of pleasing someone that is not able to be pleased. I'm so uplifted by how far I have come in just 5 months. I feel stronger and smarter and just that much more beautiful. It was said in our class tonight that you finally get to a point to allow yourself to be loved again. I'm happy.

I have great friends, a wonderful job, a son that makes me laugh and love life. What more could anyone want. I am writing this late at night and should be in bed, but after an eventful evening - and reflection, I've found my place. I'm so thankful for those that helped me to get here and the lessons learned. Although I will always peek back to the past and wonder "what if" - there are no regrets. I don't think I'd be in this very place, not only my physical location, but mentally without those experiences. For that I am grateful.

So, full circle. It's amazing 1 year later the work I've invested in myself, in my life, in Dawson's life and looking in the mirror at the results. Truly amazing.

I'm blessed.

March Madness

My little boy is growing up! Dawson turned 5 in March and I don't know where the time goes. He had is annual party at the town swimming pool. His friends and classmates were very giving. Star Wars was the theme and I didn't realize just how much star wars stuff is out there. Amazing! This fall he starts elementary school and he's getting pretty excited. Of course all he wants to do is ride the bus. We have "Round-Up" in a few weeks where the kids walk the halls and learn about what to expect. It'll be a great experience.

We are moved into our new home and enjoying every minute of it. We've had spouts of nice weather and spouts of not so nice weather. We are both very ready for the warmer season! Can't wait to plant a garden and get some flowers and bushes in.

Easter was quiet and non-eventful. The Easter Bunny was VERY generous this year and brought Dawson a spider-man bicycle. After a ride around the drive way, we discovered that the Easter Bunny under estimated Dawson's height. Thank goodness Walmart understands these things and will take back the Easter Bunny's gifts and exchange them for a bigger bike! That nice bunny!!